a ten-minute dream in the passenger seat

So much stuff to do, so little time . . . I really wish I didn't have all these college things hanging over my head. Or maybe I wish I didn't have homework hanging over my head, and only had to focus on college apps. Or maybe I just shouldn't be on here in the first place, since there's so much to do (and it's ALL hanging over my head).

*sigh*

I dislike having a life. A lot.

And I may be getting another sore throat. LOVELY.

This is all quite overwhelming; I don't even know where to start my to-do lists anymore.

I shouldn't complain, though. I have lots of things going for me. But it feels good to get this all out.

I tried reading some Emily Dickinson. The poetry was good, but didn't help with the sleepiness factor. I tried making my mind blank, and letting myself just fall out of consciousness. But that didn't work, either. And so, wide awake at three a.m., I found myself opening wide and looking into the mirror. Damn. Still infected. Why aren't these antibiotics working? *shakes capsules* WORK, DAMMIT!!!

I am tired of being stuck inside my house. Tired, tired, tired. I am not so tired in the oh-yawn-I'm-sleepy sense - proof of this being my sitting here, typing away. I want to go OUTSIDE. I want to RUN. I want to see my BOYFRIEND and FRIENDS. I want to go for a nice evening walk (or, even better, run) when the sweltering heat has died down. Do I sound spoiled?

Clearly, this being-sick-in-the-summer dealie that happens every couple of years makes me pause and reflect on myself and what I want/need. I don't want to be healthy. I need to be healthy, as all human beings do. I need to have social interaction. Otherwise, I will wither like I did three years ago. And I really don't want that to happen again. I could survive without exercise, but now that I've experienced what it's like to be in decent shape, I don't think I could ever be anything less and be satisfied with myself.

I'm not asking for a million dollars. I'm not asking for anything material, really. I just need for this infection to go away. Health is one of the easiest things to take for granted. I'm not dying or anything, but you get my point - health is kind of like white noise; it's there most of the time, but when it's gone everything seems so eerily quiet and you wonder why. That was a really bad analogy, but who cares? It's 3:25 a.m. and I still have white lumps in the back of my throat.

I should be writing a paper for English, but can I just say how not in the mood I am to be writing a paper? Especially on "Death of a Salesman"? I should also study for tomorrow's math test, but there is only so much time one can devote to studying numbers and formulas before one begins to question the purpose of including such things as pre-calculus in the curriculum in the first place.

Band is really, really starting to irk me like no other. Not the playing of music, but the sitting-there-listening to/watching-a-stupid-jackass-director-who-thinks-he's-the-greatest-thing-that-ever-happened-to-music part of it. Especially since he just creeps me out. He's a 25-year old man, and yet he looks like he's at least forty.

I really, really hope I don't age as poorly as he has.

Then again, I don't think anyone could age as poorly as he did, because NO ONE is as much of a pole-up-their-ass jerk as he is.

I'm sorry. That seems excessively harsh, but you don't understand how great that man is at sucking the fun out of band. He just doesn't seem to get it. Worse, we're starting to really suck as a band. He must have really, really low standards for us to be satisfied with how we're playing now. And you know what else? A TON of people are quitting sometime this year because of him. The music program, which was supposed to be getting stronger, is now going down the drain.

Maybe it was the school's goal in hiring him to ruin the band program. Then, the administration wouldn't have to worry about funding us for trips to contest. They can just pour more money into their meathead-making-plant of a weight room, which spans the length of several former classrooms. The old auto shop, aviation, and tech ed-type rooms have been demolished to make room for machines that will ultimately teach us nothing in the way of career skills.

Does the administration seriously believe that every single person from Mundelein High School is going to go to college? The answer, obviously, is no. And not every student participates in organized athletics, and therefore doesn't see where all the money has gone. For those students who aren't going to attend college, programs that teach them skills they could use for a career as, say, a mechanic are necessary. Only they've gotten rid of that program, cut the foods classes, and, of course, retired the star football player's number.

I am not even joking. Like it's this huge deal to be star football player at a school that has only won one homecoming game in approximately the past 20 years.

I am not bitter about not being recognized for the National Honor Band thing. Not at all. I would like nothing better than to be left alone in my natural band room-habitat, playing the clarinet for my own enjoyment. Because not only is the attention of most of the student population meaningless to me, but I would not want my accomplishments to represent a school that underfunds its fine arts programs - even though the show choir is arguably the most successful program we have. Making a big deal out of individuals is not the way to glorify the school. The way to glorify the school is to actually achieve your goal of improving test scores by actually teaching well and in a way so that the students will want to learn.

Oh, screw it. I'm done with this entry.

I officially love my English class. It's the best one I've ever, ever had, minus Ms. Fitz's class because I never really appreciated her the way I should have.

My teacher is so awesome. We have the best discussions, and he never puts anyone's ideas down - just tries to make whoever is speaking think harder and more critically without seeming to take sides, although we all know he's probably the most liberal person in the entire school building, not including Nick and Alex who are communists.

Anyway. Does anyone else think we should be spending more time thinking about the freaking economy and the war than about whether or not John Kerry was under fire when he saved that guy in Vietnam?

Sorry. I'm becoming rather politically opinionated.