(no subject)

[clarinelf]

Another day comes and goes. School, homework, music, homework, bed. That's the routine, that's what it has been and that's what it will be for the next 8 months or so. College stuff doesn't help.

And again I find myself sitting on my butt, complaining to an audience the great majority of whom I don't even see in my daily life. I want to do something about this apathy, but I don't have the guts to stray from this horrible routine I'm stuck in.

I don't want life to be predictable. Spontaneity is much more enjoyable. Having the free time to even consider being spontaneous, though, would help.

* * *
While playing Weber:
Mr. K: Your dynamics seem mechanical.

That's probably the first time he's ever said that to me. Usually I can pour myself into the music I'm playing and come up with something pretty expressive. . . . apparently I'm too distracted now to even do that. Which sucks. That means that my distractions, frustrations, and stress have worked themselves into who I am from day to day and are affecting my behavior and ability to express myself. I've found myself bottling things up lately, which is something I usually don't advocate.

* * *
I wake up from dreams in a panicked state these days. I sleep through the night, but my dreams are very vivid and tend to reiterate whatever happens to be bugging me during the day.

* * *
On the way to my lesson tonight, I was listening to some of the music I couldn't get enough of during sophomore year, and the lyrics struck me in ways they haven't since then. This makes me wonder if everything is going by so fast that I'm not even noticing a regression into my sophomore-year self. Or maybe even my freshman-year self, since the most conforting thing I did all day was listen to the LotR soundtrack while doing homework.

* * *
I want to advocate change, both in myself and in society. Do at least a little something. But I'm plagued by all these worries that tend to drown out my motivation toward anything. Well, except for running, which I only get to do every other school day in gym because there's simply no time outside of school. I should make the time for things that are important to me. My own essay for colleges pretty much is telling my what to do at this juncture, but I am ignoring it because I've read and reread it so many freaking times lately that it's meaning is almost lost.

* * *
It's just that personal change is so difficult. I wish I was less quick to criticize. I wish I was less of a perfectionist. I wish I didn't worry so much. I have to bring these changes about, but again - It's. so. difficult.

* * *
Stress sucks.

The end.